Bargaining: the endless internal conversation

Nadia Booysen expands on the transformative potential that bargaining has when faced with a cancer diagnosis.


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Bargaining with ourselves and others is something we naturally do from young. Probably because parents and teachers bargain with us from the time we can understand and engage in this process with the aim of getting desired outcomes.

But within a more serious context and as a more developed person than your young self; if you were to describe the process of bargaining which words come to mind?

Maybe it’s about exchanging one thing for another, or trying to exchange something for something better? Somehow that doesn’t sound completely sufficient or comprehensive enough. It feels like there needs to be a sacrifice of some sort. Sacrifice implying that there is a high cost to the exchange, or maybe it has nothing to do with an exchange but implies merely a sacrifice in the hope of.

Nonetheless, there is a certain degree of anticipation, excitement or maybe feelings of anxiousness associated, accompanied by a level of desperation, ultimately dependent on what is being bargained for.

Bargaining and the cancer journey

Have you ever thought of bargaining for your life, health or more time? Less pain, more quality or just the normal you were used to? What will you give to go back in time?

It’s hard to determine until you get there, and bargaining probably forms part of every cancer journey. The moment you hear the words: you have cancer, even before you know the prognosis or treatment, your mind starts bargaining. Only those three words are needed to send your mind into a spiralling world of what you’ll do, give or sacrifice to go back. And this is where bargaining with yourself throughout a cancer journey most often starts.

Bargaining is a normal part of any grieving process, and even though it starts very early on in a cancer journey, it’s a valuable part of the emotional journey. This can also form part of an active life-changing phase when constructing a new normal and a life after a diagnosis is planned.

It’s important to understand that bargaining is mostly an internal psychological way of dealing with a perceived or anticipated loss, which is a much-needed phase. However, if processed further; it can serve as so much more when you’re ready to actively engage in that process.

Identify the sacrifices

Start at the beginning, identify what you’re willing to sacrifice? Less working hours, changing unhealthy habits, making changes to spend more time on self-care, diet or with loved ones.

Identifying these things are vital because they aren’t only things you often need to change but often the first things you’ll regret when you don’t have the option of changing them anymore.

Bargaining turned into action

Bargaining starts as an internal discussion with yourself, sometimes it might include conversations with a higher power as well. Irrespective of how they start, once you’re able to establish identifiable objects or actions (things you are willing to sacrifice), please make notes so that you’re able to implement the changes at a time when you’re ready. Make active choices of the things you want to change and those things you want to include in your new normal. This is such an important phase during the journey as it can truly be life-changing moments.

Sometimes treatment schedules and side effects might be too tiring to implement changes. If this is the case, please make notes and implement at a time when you have the strength.

Bargaining staying bargaining

For some, bargaining stays just that bargaining. Left as internal conversations, dissatisfied with what is and what was. All that is taken are feelings of time wasted, life being unfair and a missed opportunity for change.

The beauty of bargaining

Cancer teaches you that life can change in an instant. It threatens your mortality and strips you from the ideology that you’ll have health until your time has run out. But as brutal as it might sound, it also amplifies the beauty in small things daily. It gives you strength to want to change your priorities, and leaves you with the opportunity to have much fuller lives, regardless of how much time you have.

Bargaining is a way in which you become aware of these things, it helps you to recognise what you have to offer, what you are surrounded by, and magnifies the beauty and value of things, just in case you are unable to make the exchange.

Don’t miss the opportunity to take these identified sacrifices with you into the future. Don’t spend your valuable energy in searching for the normal you knew. Rather take a blank canvas and start bargaining for your life. Have those difficult conversations with yourself, make the changes, and live the best life you ever lived. Life is to be lived, live it!

Nadia Booysen is a cancer survivor and an oncology counsellor (BSW Hons (Social Work) (UP), BA Hons (Psychology) (Unisa), PGDip (PallMed) (UCT)). She consults at the DMO practices: Sandton Oncology and the West Rand Oncology Centres. Serving in oncology is not a profession to her, but rather a way of life. Nadia has a keen interest in mental health and believes that it’s an underestimated and stigmatised topic.

MEET THE EXPERT – Nadia Booysen

Nadia Booysen is a cancer survivor and an oncology counsellor (BSW Hons (Social Work) (UP), BA Hons (Psychology) (Unisa), PGDip (PallMed) (UCT)). She consults at the DMO practices: Sandton Oncology and the West Rand Oncology Centres. Serving in oncology is not a profession to her, but rather a way of life. Nadia has a keen interest in mental health and believes that it’s an underestimated and stigmatised topic.


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cover 2024 BIG C - Preparing for treatment