When everyone else matters more

Nadia Booysen expands on the intentional, unintentional, and pure humanity of when everyone else matters more.

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If you’ve ever set foot in the world of oncology as a patient, you’ve been witness to the reality that the people closest to you often suffer the most. A very unfortunate truth. 

It can sometimes be a confusing and overwhelming process for all involved and no one knows what is right or wrong. With one guess being as good as the other. Where the purest intentions are sometimes left with abandonment, and explanations are far and few and in between, leaving gaping holes of nothingness contrasted with bundles of overwhelming suggestions. Where do you go from there? 

This is where you can separate the intentional (acts and words) from the unintentional consequences (of those acts and words), leaving space in between for pure humanity.

The intentional

This refers to the things people do and say purposefully (or choose not to do and say) with the aim of getting a desired outcome. For the most part, everyone involved is actively trying to contribute in ways that are helpful, with acts that will positively contribute to the journey or lessen the burden. 

Loved ones try to protect each other from emotional harm in whichever way possible and do whatever is needed to make each day lighter. 

It’s important to understand that the intentional often also includes withholding information, mostly related to feelings, or intentionally not doing certain things. 

Protection is a primary goal and includes limiting physical activities or withholding emotional conversations; it aims at reducing anything that might cause strain. So, the intentional focuses on motivating each another and offering support in whichever form. Staying positive, assisting in performing tasks, and easing the burdens.  

Sometimes it’s also about parents withholding certain information from children with the intention to protect them, or a spouse putting on a brave face for the other. The basic premise is that there is positive intent behind behaviour and that the results are positive.

The unintentional 

This refers to acts and words that are also intentional (and for the most part with pure intentions) but unfortunately have an undesirable effect or outcome. 

This can be when people in your life ask you every day how you are, not realising that very little changes from day to day, or that you don’t constantly want to be reminded of your cancer. The intention is pure, but the result is negative. 

The unintentional also refers to families who won’t allow a loved one to stay in bed out of fear that they will not get up again, and friends and families that dismiss every negative thought and enforce positive beliefs because they so desperately need you to be okay because they are not. 

The unintentional can also be people telling you how strong you are to the degree that you’re unable to be honest and show when you’re struggling. 

Nutrition is another area where very good intentions have an undesired outcome. This is one area where families can truly contribute to your journey and often overcompensate due to anxiety and concerns. This then becomes an area of contention when you struggle to eat and are forced to eat. 

Playing along

As a patient, you’re aware that your illness is causing great distress for the people around you, so you play along. You become the strong one because everyone needs you to be; your family, friends, even sometimes your doctors need it, and to be really honest, you need it. You need it sometimes, just for a moment, to also believe that you are actually that strong. And you become accustomed to your feelings being dismissed because of the misinterpretation of your honesty by everyone. 

You very quickly learn that as a patient, you’re not allowed to have off days; this is perceived as being negative. There is a fear of you giving up, and this becomes everyone’s focus. Overdrive is the new normal whereby everyone operates, just in case you get the idea that you can slow down. 

Amongst all the dos and don’ts, rights and wrongs, you have to take a moment and acknowledge that you’re just human after all, trying to make sense of something you never imagined would cross your path. With that in mind, you have to factor in the innocence of human nature. 

Pure humanity 

This refers to everybody on your journey having humane feelings and needs about your cancer. The people in your life often need to be part of your journey to decrease their feelings of being powerless.  

You may often say that you don’t need help, and this might be true, but please consider allowing loved ones to help. This gives them meaning and purpose in your journey. It decreases their feelings of powerlessness and anxiety. You might not need it, but they do. Loved ones often respond from a place of fear without knowing, trying to will you into health and positivity, and don’t realise the effect it has.

The dichotomy of needs between you and your loved ones

One of the most difficult things in the emotional world of cancer is balancing the dichotomy of needs between you and loved ones. As a patient, you desperately need and want to keep your independence; this also comes from an internal fear of what it might mean if you do feel ill and need help, even if only temporary. 

Families and friends on the other hand feel overwhelmed by anxiety and are desperate to contribute. The key is finding balance where everyone is comfortable, where everyone plays a part, and feelings of being powerless are minimised. 

The solution to this often necessitates compromise, and due to feelings of guilt for putting loved ones through this process, you are more likely to be compromising. There is no right or wrong. Navigating daily through everyone’s needs and understanding the powerlessness of each person might make things easier. 

So, even though, as a patient, you are surrounded by many, you may often feel like you’re alone because your feelings are dismissed, your truths are feared, and your fears are quickly turned into the greatest miracles that has ever happened to mankind. 

In the end, intentional, unintentional or humane, everyone matters, everyone else is often just a little bit louder.

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